Why do good girls choose bad guys?

History is old as the world: it is beautiful, smart, successful, but for some reason it dries for years by one who, in general opinion, is not worth it and her little finger. Selfish marshy, infantile type, forever married – it is drawn to give all love to a person who is not capable of a healthy relationship. Why are many women ready to endure, hope and wait for their obviously unworthy chosen one?

They say to us: you are not a couple. We ourselves feel that a man of dreams treats us not like we deserve. But we do not leave, make even more efforts to win it. We are on the hook, we binded down the ears. But why?

The more we invest in a person, the more we attach to him

When we do not immediately get the desired attention and love, it seems to us that they can be earned. We invest more and more in relations, but at the same time our disappointment, devastation and a sense of our own worthlessness are only growing. Psychologist Jeremy Nicholson called this the principle of “irrevocable costs”. When we care about other people, take care of them, solve their problems, we begin to love them more and appreciate them because we hope that nested love cannot but return to us with “interest”.

Therefore, before dissolving in another person, it is worth considering: did we put an internal counter? Are we waiting for something in return? How unconditional and undemanding is? And are we ready for such a sacrifice? If the basis of your relationship is initially there is no love, respect and devotion, selflessness on the one hand will not bring treasured fruits. Meanwhile, the emotional dependence of the giver will only intensify.

We accept the option of love that is worthy in our own eyes

Perhaps in childhood there was a coming or drinking dad or in his youth our heart was broken. Perhaps, choosing a painful scenario, we lose the old play about rejection, unattainability of dreams and loneliness. And the longer we walk in a spiral, the more self -esteem suffers, the more difficult it is to part with the usual motive in which pain and pleasure have been weaved.

But if we realize that he, this motive, is already present in our life, we can consciously prohibit

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ourselves to enter into such frustrating relations. Every time we agree to a compromise, we create a precedent for another unsuccessful novel. We can admit that it is worthy of more than relations with a person who is not too passionate about.

This is the chemistry of the brain

Director of the Center for Translation Social Neurology at the University of Emory Larry Young came to the conclusion that the loss of a partner as a result of parting or his death is akin to a drug breakdown. His study showed that ordinary mice-full-wages showed a high level of chemical stress and were in a state of strong anxiety after parting with a partner. The mouse returned again and again to the common habitat of the couple, which led to the production of the “hormone attachment” of oxytocin and reduced anxiety.